A Message to Apple: You Suck, Suck, Suck

I realize now how ironic it is to write this after our “podcast” (look below) has just recently been added to the Apple store. Regardless, grateful as Ethos and I are for that, Apple still sucks. Why? I’ll tell you.

500x_sportsillustrated

Acceptable.

Apple has recently cracked down on apps that they deem sexually explicit or provocative. Not content, mind you – children are still allowed to download all the sexually explicit music and TV shows they want to, as long as they can provide a valid credit card number – but apps, such as the infamous Wobble iBoobs app.

Jon Atherton, the developer of said iBoobs app, released the newly-implemented list of taboos to the public via TechCrunch:

1. No images of women in bikinis (Ice skating tights are not OK either)
2. No images of men in bikinis! (I didn’t ask about Ice Skating tights for men)
3. No skin (he seriously said this) (I asked if a Burqa was OK, and the Apple guy got angry)
4. No silhouettes that indicate that Wobble can be used for wobbling boobs (yes – I am serious, we have to remove the silhouette in this pic)
5. No sexual connotations or innuendo: boobs, babes, booty, sex – all banned
6. Nothing that can be sexually arousing!! (I doubt many people could get aroused with the pic above but those puritanical guys at Apple must get off on pretty mundane things to find Wobble “overtly sexual!)
7. No apps will be approved that in any way imply sexual content (not sure how Playboy is still in the store, but …)

Female_Figure_Skater

Not acceptable.

Good question, Jon. How is Playboy still in the store? Or Sports Illustrated? Could it possibly be because they’re big, rich, revenue-generating companies? No, of course not. Here’s the real reason, according to Apple exec Phil Schiller: “The difference is this is a well-known company with previously published material available broadly in a well-accepted format.”

Yuh-huh. Well, at least they’re not being hypocritical or anything. Those guidelines are so ridiculously strict and arbitrary that there’s no way they’ll be upheld. My guess is that they’ll be pulled out of the closet on occasion to put the kibosh on some small-time developer that Apple doesn’t care about. And, in doing so, they’ll be appeasing all of the stupid parental figures in the world, who don’t seem to realize that with an iPod touch an an internet connection, their children can access every porn site on the internet.

Lamesauce, Apple. Complete and utter lamesauce. I hope Google’s phone kicks your ass.

Anyway. I’m off to buy Heavy Rain. It’s my last full day here in the magical land of Canadia; I suppose I shouldn’t spend all of it smouldering in Apple-induced rage.

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One Response to “A Message to Apple: You Suck, Suck, Suck”

  1. DarthGibblet says:

    Wow. So I’m not really an Apple hater or anything, but this is re-god-damn-diculous. I love how their justification is that Playboy and SI are established companies, because, you know, only unestablished companies can create sexual content. Apple’s pretty much just validated everybody’s worst fears about the closed nature of the app store. One more reason to look into Android when I’m on the market for a new phone in a few months.

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