Breaking News: Incredibly Shitty Banner

A glimpse at the monstrosity

If you thought today couldn’t get any more full of fantastic, mind-blowing newsawesomeness, then think again! Not only did we all get the heavenly word of black Wiis packaged with Wii Sports Resort and Wii Motion Plus, but now comes news that hit video game blog, Riddlethos.com, has just produced its ugliest banner to date. Known for its trying-too-hard-to-be-funny approach to video game news, Riddlethos is run by Oliver “Riddles” Motok and Ethan “Ethos” Pipher, two nobodies with zero journalistic experience, and no qualifications to have any say about anything. The pair try to desperately cling on to their minor internet celebrity by maintaining a silly hook on their site in the form of “Theme Weeks”. To represent these themes, a new banner is posted every week. While the banners were at one time designed by outside artists, these artists wisely figured out that it was a waste of their valuable time and talent. Thus, the task was left to the incapable Ethos and Riddles. Never has that incapability proven so true as this week.

Yes, this week Riddlethos.com sprouted such a hideous growth on its face that some speculate that it will never recover. “I fear for the future of the site,” said co-founder and super-stud Ethan Pipher, “Riddlethos has had some real shitty shit, but this is shittier than any of the shitty shit I’ve ever seen.” The man then proceeded to say “shit” in excess of 57 times before stumbling off to get another bowl of ice cream.

May be too graphic for young eyes

The doom heralding didn’t end there, however. When shown the banner in question, Lusipurr of Lusipurr fame exclaimed, “[Oliver] produced this abortion?” After confirmation, Lusipurr didn’t hesitate to add, “Kill him.” While the current progress of Oliver’s murder is unclear, Lusipurr made sure to speak in defense of Oliver’s character and talents. Below is a collection of Lusipurr’s remarks.

Every person on Earth is born with at least one talent, one skill, one ability that sets them apart from everyone else. A unique feature, if you will.
And then there’s Oliver Motok.
Proof that every rule has its exception.
You might say his complete lack of any talent whatsoever is his skill–he serves as evidence for us that there is a God. And that God is occasionally very sadistic and vindictive.

The unsuspecting public wasn’t able to uphold the same brand of articulate composure. “OMG, that banner is horrible,” states banner victim, Ferchu, “that banner is in my nightmares, it haunts me , it follows me , WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!” The horror didn’t stop there, however. Unprepared citzen, Breaka666 had chilling words of his own when he told this reporter than he “[doesn't] usually say epic fail but here [he believes] it’s appropriate.” He then graciously linked to a picture of Homer Simpson.

Even Star Fox can't save the day

Will this tragedy have a happy ending? Will Riddlethos.com finally see its just and overdue demise? Or perhaps by next Tuesday, Riddles and Ethos will have satisfied their collective ADD by moving on and letting the Nightmare Banner dissolve into the ether of overplayed jokes. Nobody knows. But I think we can all agree with Julian “SiliconNooB” Taylor in saying that “Wow, that is one fucking ugly banner!”

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5 Responses to “Breaking News: Incredibly Shitty Banner”

  1. SiliconNooB says:

    I think you may have just written the Riddlethos Wiki description …

  2. Ethos says:

    And the greatest article on the site yet.
    I’M BACK, BABY!

  3. DarthGibblet says:

    My favorite part is the coining of the phrase “banner victim”

  4. Riddles says:

    I hate my life.

  5. SiliconNooB says:

    OMG, what has Oliver done with our wonderful with our wonderful, terrible banner?!!!!!!!

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