Lazy Saturdays #06 – LOLWUT

Yep, it’s been a lazy Saturday. Classically lazy, in fact. Although, I did have a random stroke of creativity, and proceeded to write a 3,000 word  short story. Weird, eh? I’m sure you’re all dying to read it, but unfortunately, it has nothing to do with videogames. So. It wouldn’t be appropriate, y’see.

By the way, I should mention the fact that I am still playing Alan Wake. I’m moving quite slowly through it because a) I’ve been working a lot, and b) I’m frankly not enamored with it. However, I still plan to finish it and review it for the site. Hint: I’m not as blown away as many others seem to be.

Alright, well. As you can see, this weekend’s edition of Lazy Saturdays has been brought to you by the LOLWUT Pear! And, if you read any further, you’ll find out why, exactly, that is.

Alpha Protocol dev snaps, claims that game should have been “cancelled”now this is definitely a lolwut. Perhaps you’ve read a few of the recently published reviews for the Obsidian-developed, Sega-published espionage RPG Alpha Protocol? Well, they aren’t terribly positive. The PS3 version of the game is currently holding down a 70.80% aggregate ranking on GameRankings, and the 360 and PC scores are both lower. Apparently, the game’s just a buggy, muddy, unfinished piece of work. In fact, it’s such a disappointment that even people who worked on the game are voicing their disgust. Commenting on Joystiq’s review, an apparent Alpha Protocol developer had this to say:

There was a ton of work put into this game. The problem is that it was a ton of undirected work, or work on things that were just stupid. The Executive Producer for the game, Chris Parker (also an owner of the company), seemed to think he was the world’s greatest designer ever, and created all these absolutely shitty systems and wouldn’t listen to any of the real designers or devs about things that just didn’t work. And you can’t exactly argue with one of the owners of the company when he doesn’t want to listen. He basically took over the game and dictated exactly how everything would work (or not work, as the case may be). The other producers realized this early on and just gave up, leaving Parker to micromanage all the designers and programmers directly.

Sega also was a factor, because they kept changing the design requirements (yes they had heavy influence there), which never gave the producers and designers time to actually decide on one set of features to make and polish. The blame is still mostly Obsidian’s because the execution was absolutely terrible, and it was obvious 2 years ago that this game should have been scrapped. Instead, though, they focused on adding still more features and never fixed the ones they already had. That is a recipe for tons of bugs and no polish… as is obvious.

This game was just an absolute failure of production, and it’s no wonder that so many of the developers left the company, even after the 40% staff layoffs. I am still happy about some of Obsidian’s other current projects, New Vegas included, because they are going pretty well. Their big unannounced project is looking great and is already much better than AP ever was, and that may end up being the game that everyone was looking for with AP.

Sega should have canceled AP instead of Aliens.

Ah… man. I’m almost unsure if I should be laughing at that. But, I already proclaimed it a LOLWUT. And, in truth, we can’t know for sure that this wasn’t just posted by some nobody. But, uh… it sounds pretty legit to me.

Cliff Bleszinski: the children in Heavy Rain are “hideous” – this one has LOLWUT written all over it. Know why? Because it’s true. Now, Cliff Bleszinski is a bit of a jackass in my opinion, but he hits the nail on the head with this little quote from an interview with GameReactor:

“Yes, [Heavy Rain] really grows on me. But, even if I feel it’s a really good game, I don’t think they have done enough to avoid the ‘uncanny valley’ problems.”

“The children in the game are some of the most hideous I have seen. Ever”

Ba-hahaha. Yes, Cliff. Yes they are. They also sound awful. Particularly in a certain, highly pivotal scene near the end of the game. People who’ve played through the whole thing know exactly what I’m talking about.

Let’s take these complaints to heart, eh Quantic Dream?

Man stabs other man to exact revenge for Counter-Strike deathNow, if this isn’t a LOLWUT than I don’t know LOLWUT is! Ha! Ha! See the pun? No? Good, because it’s fucking awful.

Anyway. Julien Barreaux is a 20-year old man living in Cambrai, France. In late 2009, Julien was killed in a knife-fight in Counter-Strike by a man named “Mikhael.” Enraged, Julien set out to find “Mikhael” and bring him to justice. He spent six months searching, and finally ended up on Mikhael’s front doorstep with a knife in hand. When Mikhael answered the knock at his door, Julien attempted to drive the knife into his heart – and he missed by an inch. Mikhael’s still alive, and Julien’s going to prison for two years.

Wait, only two years?

This guy meticulously hunts down and attempts to kill a man over a death in Counter-Strike, and he gets two years?

Goddamn French pussies.

A dark LOLWUT, yes; but a LOLWUT nonetheless. And, with it, we conclude this special LOLWUT edition of Lazy Saturdays. Thanks so much for joining us, and might I encourage you to scroll down and have a look at some of the awesome content we’ve posted this week? Like, for example, Ethos’ gushing review for Super Mario Galaxy 2? (Actually, you’ll have to scroll up for that.) Or, my less-than-positive review for the Prince of Persia movie? And, last but not least, the birth of the Memetok?

Just scroll down. Or up. You won’t be sorry.


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11 Responses to “Lazy Saturdays #06 – LOLWUT”

  1. SiliconNooB says:

    -Yeah the Heavy Rain children do sound worse than they look, though IMO the most hideous thing about HR is the fact that all the characters look as though they have an advanced case of Parkinsons.

    -Alpha Protocol is a lot of fun, but very poorly made.

  2. Ethos says:

    Hrm, I wonder what Glenn has to say about that. He wrote a glowing review on RPGamer for Alpha Protocall.

  3. SiliconNooB says:

    I’m enjoying it greatly, but there’s so much wrong with it on a technical level, and there’s no denying that. I would still confidentially recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the RPG aspects of Mass Effect, but the combat is far looser and the AI is absolutely retarded.

    You can be aiming and firing at enemies over ten meters away, and rather than diving for ample cover, they instead decide to charge headlong at you in the vain hopes that they can land a punch before you mow them down.

  4. 7thCircle says:

    As has been discussed/argued in the RPGamer forums and on the last RPGCast, I’m waiting to see how the home audience takes to Alpha Protocol. It sounds like other reviewers and Noob decided to ignore the stealth elements and play it like it’s Gears of War, in which case, yes, the combat does seem unpolished and busted. But then again, it’s a stealth game. Deus Ex, Rainbow Six, Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, etc — if you try to run and gun in those games, they also seem busted and unpolished.

    And despite what that boob Chris says, the game is clearly marketed and self-identifies as an espionage RPG. If you ignore the spy and RPG mechanics, like other review sites did, then you’re playing it wrong and of course it’s going to seem deeply flawed.

  5. SiliconNooB says:

    I use the stealth aspect along with shooter mechanics depending on what serves my purposes at the time. Just because you don’t use the shooter elements, that doesn’t magically make them or the AI any less broken. Also your assertion that the game is only meant to be played a certain way is an absolute copout given they created a defined soldier class for combat intensive players, if they weren’t going to support this play style then they shouldn’t have included it. Any game where you have to avoid using some of its core features just so you can avoid the having the experience come apart at the seems, is a game with a few problems.

    Also Chris had a point, they did somewhat shy away from the RPG tag in their marketing push, emphasising its action elements. Though of course it has “RPG” stencilled across the front of the box.

  6. 7thCircle says:

    Noob, I think you just pulled a Chris and put words in my mouth that I didn’t say, then argued against the words you put in my mouth. Feel free to counter something I’ve actually said, and I’ll reply to that.

  7. SiliconNooB says:

    I don’t understand? In what way have I misrepresented your line of argument?

  8. 7thCircle says:

    I did use the shooter elements, and the way you jumped on my case for saying Alpha Protocol has a certain way to play it is off. For one, you left yourself open to a counterpoint like “Gears of War has a melee attack, but there is a correct way to play it: use the guns” or anything similar where I can argue that just because a game provides a certain attack option or skill to level up doesn’t mean that using it exclusively is the correct way to play. But that takes the discussion away from Alpha Protocol. I never said you have to use a specific character build; I said that you have to play the game like an espionage RPG, not Rambo 5, and provided examples of similar games.

    But really, you’ve jumped on Alpha Protocol in several places now and give an air that you and I strongly disagree about it, however I’m still waiting for you to say something about the game that I disagree with enough to debate it. Your complaints have either been vague or so subjective that I’m okay with them. I’m kinda waiting for you to say something with weight behind it rather than posting “AP has flaws” “The combat is flawed” “I agree with reviews that say it is technically flawed” a dozen times. It seems to me that we both see the same flaws in the game. The difference is that I think the game is great, but you think it’s just good, and I’m cool with that.

    I’m anxious to talk with real people about Alpha Protocol, and I’m totally open to others hating it and would love to argue about the game, so maybe I think you’re trying to argue with me personally because that’s what I want when really you’re doing your SiliconNoob thing where when you dislike a game you try to make 100 posts about it across the internet where you use strong language to exaggerate faults. If that’s the case, you’re torturing me because I do want to talk about the game.

  9. SiliconNooB says:

    I would direct you to the top of the page where I mentioned very specifically the flaws in enemy AI, but what’s the point when you choose not to acknowledge the validity of any arguments against the game?

    I actually like the game, I just take issue with the fact that you repeatedly attempt to dismiss out of hand the legitimate criticisms of reviewers, which, while not important to you, are likely to impact the enjoyment of others. Alpha Protocol is a fun game, but it is not a refined game.

  10. 7thCircle says:

    You and I already covered the AI flaws in the RPGamer thread and agreed it’s not a point of contention — that’s what I was referring to when I said we see the same flaws in the game. I don’t know why you need to act like my not acknowledging it a 2nd time here means I didn’t read it.

    “you choose not to acknowledge the validity of any arguments against the game” is you putting words in my mouth again, and foolish ones at that considering I wrote 2 full paragraphs in my review covering the game’s flaws and gave it one of the lower scores, if not the lowest, that a major AAA console RPG release has received from RPGamer in the last year.

    “you repeatedly attempt to dismiss out of hand the legitimate criticisms of reviewers” is also not true. The only criticism I specifically called out was Gamespot and GameTrailers claiming that perfectly lined up headshots can miss due to dice rolls, which is false. My complaints about other reviews has had to do with their tone and their double standards, not whether or not the criticisms were true.

    So I asked you not to put words in my mouth, and then you did it 3 times in 2 sentences. You and I are clearly looking for different types of fights on this. Macstorm’s playing the PS3 version now, so I’ll just wait until Tuesday and talk to him about it.

  11. SiliconNooB says:

    You have been dismissing a lot more than that for the last couple of days. Understand that I’m not trying to argue against positive opinions of the game, just against the dismissal of criticisms which are going to diminish the game for some people.

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