In reading over 50 GODDAMN PAGES OF RIDDLETHOS in preparation for these make-up awards, I came across some articles that weren’t quite good enough for a “best of” but included a quote good enough that it couldn’t go ignored. Therefore I created this new category.
Enjoy these incredible Riddlesisms. These Vintage Montoks. These Classic Olivers. These Top-O’-Da-Line Murfreesboronian Menaces.
…in no particular order
Hey! Look! Listen! was always known for its self-deprecating openings, but this one outdid all of them. I honestly can’t tell if this introductory paragraph turned away or sold more people on the column.
What’s worse than February?
This recurring “news” column, that’s what. This barely informative, self-gratifying, irregularly updated EXCUSE for videogame journalism.
I feel sorry for anyone who’s about to read it, frankly. But hey, everyone’s gotta bite the bullet and eat a shit sandwich at some point in their lives. For the lot of you, that day is today.
So let’s get this over with.
Just. Amazing. Sometimes Riddles would apologize for berating the readers, or he would try to justify his bitterness somehow. Nope, not this time. He just lets all the readers know – before they start reading – that the article is going to be all sorts of horrible and he writes it such that it assumes that the reader has no choice but to continue. Outstanding.
Later on in the same HLL, Riddles offers this.
This thing went up a bit later than I anticipated. But hey, at least I did it, right? If nothing else, it means you don’t have to suffer another one of Ethos’ pathetic attempts to match my news-condensing prose.
While Riddles took many jabs at me, this was a rare glimpse at his genuine pride for HLL. Somehow in the same article as that opening paragraph too.
I suppose it should be no surprise that Riddles was at his bitter best during a month he hates during a theme week made to celebrate that fact. Either way, this is gold.
I bought Valentine’s Day gifts for a girl once. She broke up with me four days later.
Straight to the point AND depressing.
Riddles is wrong about Final Fantasy VIII, but I’m still glad he likes it. If only because of quotes like this.
Final Fantasy VIII – PSX (Blow it out your ass, haters)
Some (read: most) of these quotes have also been half-laughing at Riddles, but this quote is not one of those quotes.
In honor of Ubisoft’s stellar efforts to further the cause of big, money-grubbing companies that criminalize their customers, and of draconian DRM measures that will serve only to increase piracy, This Week is Copy Protected.
It was a gimmicky Theme Week, but it was worth it for that awesome intro. Riddles (sometimes) don’t take no guff.
Lightning is overly bitter at times, but she’s interesting and strangely likeable in spite of that.
I honestly don’t think he recognized the irony.
Nobody does concise depression like Riddles.
I mean, we started out pretty well – with a review of the game and all. And then… nothing. The failboat weighed anchor, and went boldly sailing down River Riddlethos.
He goes on to call that metaphor weak, but my laughter begs to differ.
This is how Riddles marked his return from his month-long absence…
Yeah. That’s right. You thought, hoped, even prayed that you were rid of me. But whatever deity you place your faith in wasn’t listening, you poor unfortunate fucks; here I am,
…By insulting your God and calling you all fucks. Amazing.
After his hiatus, Riddles mostly took to writing great HLLs, lengthy TV retrospectives, and thoughtful game reviews. Good stuff, to be sure, but it took a bit for his true Riddlethos personality to show up in the form of timeless Riddles Quotes.
Guh. Take my heart and rip it to shreds, but don’t take my videogames.
Preach it, Riddles. The full piece is worth the read, too.
One of the lines in his last proper post is Riddles chiming in in parenthesis to make fun of HIMSELF.
After I finish the game, I’ll likely give it a proper review for my site. (Like you did for Dead Space 2? Oh snap!)”
Honourary Mention – The best Riddles quote of all time -
I’m not going to quote it here, and technically this is from 2009 and already has an award and really shouldn’t qualify but I don’t care. Go to the article and read it yourself. It’s the picture caption. Slays me every time.