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            Can you handle it?
by Ethos

Happy Birthday To Us

Tuesday, August 20th, 2013
Just the facts

Just the facts

Why Have I Not Played Mass Effect 3 Yet?

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

So I was just browsing through the Riddlethos archives (as I am wont to do) and came across this tiny little post from three years ago. (Three fucking years? Shit.) In it, I lament being sick three hours before the midnight release of BioShock 2, and then comment on the fact that I finished Mass Effect 3, and “can’t wait for the inevitable third.”

Guess what? I STILL HAVE NEVER FUCKING PLAYED MASS EFFECT 3.

God, I’m such a shitty gamer. I haven’t touched Ni No Kuni in weeks, I didn’t play Dead Space 3, I didn’t play the new Devil May Cry, I didn’t… I haven’t… um… lots of stuff, I’m sure.

Anyway, I think I decided at some point that I would just buy the trilogy on PS3 and replay the entire thing. Y’see, I played Mass Effect 1+2 on my 360, which is pretty much officially retired and has been for some time. That’s probably why I lollygagged when ME3 was first released. And then, y’know, by the time the trilogy came out I had sort of forgotten about it and… yeah.

Well, hopefully, this will change. Tomorrow I’m officially moving into my new place of residence. Things should finally be getting back on track. And hopefully I’ll be able to sit on my ass and play games.

…I need a TV to do that. Dammit.

I’ll get you yet, Life. One of these days. One of these damn days.

Well in other news, a shitty game was released today. It’s called THE WALKING DEAD: SURVIVAL INSTINCT, it’s published by everyone’s favorite vampiric corporate entity ACTIVISION and it’s a FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER based on the HIT AMC TELEVISION SERIES and sHiT THIS IS FUN alright I’ll stop.

Anyway, even though I have not played it, I feel extremely confident in telling you that The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct is a shitty game that you should not pay for. It was quietly announced not even ten months ago, and Activision put bizarrely little marketing behind it. To my knowledge, they didn’t even mention the game again after its initial announcement for at least six months. Kinda strange, because if done properly, a FPS based on The Walking Dead could, y’know… be fun? But nobody expects Activision to produce such a game. And they know that. That’s why its release day and the only review to be found is a scathing critique from a rather messil designed site I’ve never visited before called Polygon. Design flaws aside, I have to give this guy mild props for running out, purchasing  a retail copy, supposedly finishing it, and publishing a review on the same day – it’s now the one review on the web. Know why? Of course you do. Review embargoes, of course. IGN, for example, has the option to watch a two-hour video of them playing the game, but no review.

Time passes

Okay, so… I actually watched the video. Not all of it. But way way more than I should have. It’s so bad that it’s literally enthralling. And listening to the guys playing it try their best to avoid trash-talking is both hilarious and sad.

The game looks like an Xbox game. Holy shit.

Well congratulations, Activision. You were among the pioneers of shitty, shitty licensed videogame adaptations, and it’s good to see that you’re keeping the tradition alive well after its prime.

Here’s the video, by the way. Watch it if you enjoy hating yourself.

Alright, well after watching that video I am officially drained. It’s time for some Arrested Development. Goodnight.

-Riddles

Hey!

Monday, March 11th, 2013

Why do people still comment on this site? Are their lives truly that sad?

More importantly, though, why do my feet smell like actual cheese?

Sorry, that was completely disgusting and I realize that. I just don’t know how to shock you people anymore.

Anyway, happy Monday I guess. I hope yours is less grey and rainy than mine. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but this is the first day off I’ve had in twelve days or something and it just feels like a depressing “fuck you” from the universe.

It probably is. The universe is a dick like that. Speaking of dicks:

I love this website. Still.

But stick around for a sec and let me give you an extremely detailed review of something I don’t like.

Review: 7 Day, 60+ Hour Work Weeks

They suck.

Now here’s something that I do like, but wish that I didn’t:

Yeahyeah, we’ve all been here before. A few months into the year and Ubisoft hits us with a beautiful new CG short film featuring some guy in a white hoodie stabbing people. Last year they had the whole American Revolution setting on their side, but what could they possibly-

PIRATES!

PIRATES AND DOUBLE SWORDS!

AND TITTIES!

I’m going to buy Assassin’s Creed IV and I hate myself and Ubisoft endlessly because of this fact. I’m still not even sure if I liked Assassin’s Creed III, but I sunk more hours into that game than I have since… the last Assassin’s Creed game. And one thing that can’t be taken away from AC3: the naval battle sections were pretty fucking epic. Not perfect, but close enough. And nobody had done it before. Now, they’re making a whole game based around it.

Assassin’s Creed meets Wind Waker plus epic ship battles? Fuck, I’m literally making myself excited as I write this.

Here’s the question though: will the PS3 version suck, or will the PS4 version be gimped?

Or both?

Oh, and speaking of Assassin’s Creed:

Silly Danish. The Damascus Skyline probably looks a little different now than it did 700+ years ago. Then again, I don’t know. I’ve never been there.

I’m starting to wonder how, exactly, people acquired their images before Google Image Search came along.

Alright motherfuckers. It’s not only my first day off in eight years, it’s Mike Babasick’s birthday and he just walked in the door.

I’M GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT FUCK IT

~Riddles