
Me trying to kill Ethos.
I’m sorry to subject you to what may seem like more filler material, but this is a truth the world must be informed of.
Okay, so I might have dropped the ball during God of War III Week. I can admit to it. But seeing that I was in the process of losing my job that week (don’t ask) I think I have something of an excuse, don’t you?
Apparently that’s not good enough for Ethos, inconsiderate fuck that he is. It’s evidenced by last Sunday’s Soapbox, which, if you recall, did little more than malign me. Wrongfully. So, in a form of brutal retaliation, I’m doing the same thing to him.
Ha ha! Ha! HA!
Seriously, though, the dude’s the worst. Everything he touches turns to shit. I fucked up God of War III Week, so to punish me he “took control” this week.
The week’s practically over, and what did we get from him? His standby Scatter Storming (really hardly relevant to the gamers of today, imo) and some PokeParty bullshit that nobody cares about. Seriously, am I supposed to give two fucks what little shits he chooses for his pet collection? No. No, I am not supposed to, and I won’t. Because Pokemon is dumb.
On the flip side, in the last seven days, I’ve brought you no less than two HLLs, and three reviews. And a Penny Arcade strip. And… something else, probably. But anyway, three reviews. I’d like to see Ethan match that in the span of three months.
Oh, and remember the little hissy he threw over the my God of War III review? Just because it was better than his? Gee, Ethos, I’m sorry you deleted half of your original review and then threw it back together last-minute. I really am. But don’t get mad at me for writing a fair, balanced, and well-structured review of one of 2010’s biggest games.
Oh, and while he may CLAIM to have finished Final Fantasy XIII, I won’t believe it until I see a review. And that won’t happen, because when it comes down to it, he’s the lazy fuck around here – not me.
So, there’s the Soapbox. Just as he promised. Hope you all enjoyed it! And I hope you enjoy this. Click on it for the hi-res version. Print multiple copies and post them in random places around your office. Hand them out to friends and family. Or, simply set it as your computer’s wallpaper, so that you never forget.

Typhlosion lvl 36 - I know, I know. I’ve wanted to get rid of this guy forever. He’s actually pretty strong even though he looks like a dork. Still, if I can ever figure this Safari Zone thing out (the new Jhoto version is confusing even with the internet), I’ll ditch it for Houndoom in a second. If only fire wasn’t so hard to come by.
Ampharos lvl 36 - Bloo-ya! It finally happened, and he’s just as strong as I remember. Only thing is, because of a strange twist of unexpected fishing events, I now have two electric types in my team which I wouldn’t prefer. So now I’m placed in the bizarre position of wanting to drop the Pokémon I’ve been waiting since the original Silver to have in my party again. Fuck you, Lanturn! Speaking of…
Lanturn lvl 36 - If only this little random wasn’t so good. Very few Pokémon are good against it, and dual water-electric is insanely useful. Her moveset is perfect and her stats are good, so she’s not going anywhere. But it’s almost too perfect. I don’t want to teach her Waterfall because it’s physical, and I don’t want to teach her Whirlpool, because it’s a piece of shit. Also, Ampharos knows Strength and Thunder Wave (for catching wild Pokeymans), so ugh…I might end up with Lanturn/Ampharos/Seadra. Maybe to balance I’ll need to get rid of…
Stantler lvl 36 - This guy has surprised me! After learning another move so I don’t have to ration so hard, Stantler has been a powerhouse. Still, I know normal-type Pokémon are largely doomed, and if I end up with half my party as water and electric, he’ll need to leave to make room for more elements. Sorry, bizarre, tough little deer.
Pidgeot lvl 36 - Nothing else to say about this dude. I guess I could comment on his ridiculous “hair”. I think I prefer Staraptor. Sorry, Pidgeot, I know you’re classic, and you’re going to stick around in my party, but the new guy is better.








LIKED:
Unlike the first two games, God of War III attempts to adopt a more emotional, character-driven approach to its storytelling. If that sounds completely and utterly out of left field, that’s because… it is. It’s not all bad, really; for the first half of the game, it almost works. Kratos’ interactions with supporting characters such as the deranged Hephaestus come across fairly well, and some of the Gods you encounter during your journey actually succeed in being marginally interesting characters. Unfortunately, though, God of War III goes a little too far in this approach. When playing God of War I or II, did you ever stop and think, “wow, I’d really like to see a more human side of Kratos.” No? Me neither. Unfortunately, Santa Monica seems to think that we did. As a result, all cutscenes and dialog for the last quarter of the game range from painful to excruciating. One would think, if Santa Monica really wanted to tell a more human tale, they would have hired some better writers. And voice actors. They didn’t. God of War III tries to make Kratos more than just a bloodthirsty badass. And, unfortunately, all God of War III ends up proving is that Kratos is nothing more than a bloodthirsty badass. Or, at least, that’s all he should be.
As we’ve come to expect, God of War III is unabashedly huge, epic, and violent. The oft-discussed opening sequence of the game deserves all the accolades it receives, because it really is one of the most grandiose videogame setpieces ever created. God of War III will make your jaw drop more than once, be it due to the magnitude of the events on the screen, or their sheer brutality. As if the first two weren’t gory enough, God of War III ups the ante in some occasionally shocking ways. But despite this, I never thought the game “crossed the line,” as it were – every bloody, remorseless murder you commit manages to feel in-line with the general feel of the experience, and with Kratos as a character. Call me sadistic, but the violence level was actually one of my favorite things about the game.
God of War has always featured a variety of alternate weapons, but God of War III is the first time they’ve ever actually been worth a damn. I actually found myself switching weapons to adapt to specific combat situations, and in fact the game makes you use alternate weaponry from time to time. Additionally, magic attacks are now mapped to specific weapons, which makes alternates that much more useful. Throw in the ability to switch weapons mid-combo, and you’ve got the deepest, most enjoyable combat the franchise has ever seen.
Graphically, God of War III is one of the best-looking games ever released. While it can’t quite match the artistic vision and direction of games such as Uncharted 2, it’s easily on the same technical level. Textures and lighting effects are mind-blowing. Character and enemy design is nearly unparalleled; Kratos in particular looks amazing. Environments are huge, gorgeous, and always a joy to explore. All graphics are in-engine, too, which makes it that much more impressive when viewing the game’s fantastic movie scenes. Kudos also must be given to the camera work, which is often gorgeous – key sequences, be they bloody boss battles or simple platforming scenarios, are complimented by a dynamic camera that captures the action in a suitably epic fashion.
I’m in a bizarre anti-social mood, so let’s just dive in.
