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            Can you handle it?
by Ethos

Sunday Soapbox: An Unbreakable Bond

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

photoOh, that title is so very… gay. I think I’ll keep it.

Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, Fools in April is just a clever way of saying “April Fools,” and it can be applied to approximately 90% of the things we wrote this week. I know that most of you were fully aware, and simply along for the ride, but for the few of you who weren’t sure: APRIL FOOLS.

Really, though, I suppose you shouldn’t feel too stupid if you found yourself in doubt. I’m going to take this opportunity to pat Ethos and I on the back, because the buildup to the shitstorm that went down on April Fools Day was perfectly done. Seriously, I occasionally stand in awe of just how awesome we are. It started with my review of God of War III, and ended with Ethos committing suicide and coming back as a zombie. For your convenience, I’ve summarized the Unfortunate Series of Events below:

Ethos Writes an Editorial Entitled “Why Riddles Sucks.” Feeling the need to berate Riddles for dropping the ball during God of War III Week, Ethos writes a slanderous editorial.

Riddles Reviews God of War III. Feeling upstaged, one-upped, and generally shamed, Ethos responds with hurt confusion. (See the comments.)

Riddles Writes an Editorial Entitled “Why Ethos Sucks.” Feeling the need to call Ethos out for being a baby, and also to retaliate against Ethos’ slanderous editorial, Riddles provides a scathing insight to Ethos’ general incompetence.

Ethos Claims that Riddles has gone “A bit too far.” Tensions rise as Ethos retaliates, making the ridiculous claim that Riddles overrated BioShock 2.

Riddles Vows a Terrible Revenge - Riddles vows to take away “that which Ethos holds most dear.” Scary, scary…

Riddles Hijjacks Scatter Storming – A ballsy, but necessary move. It sent a clear message, and it was also the best Scatter Storming ever written.

Ethos Loses his Shit – Enraged, Ethan makes no less than three Riddles-themed de-motivational posters. Little does he know that Riddles’ revenge had yet to even begin. Props to him for this disgustingly offensive banner, though.

riddlescockweek

riddlesLogo

This was pure brilliance.

Riddles Takes Over the Site – The plan goes into full effect when Riddlethos.com becomes Riddles.com. New logo and everything. Ethos is locked out of the site, and Riddles refuses to let him back in, in spite of his painful groveling.

Ethos Commits Suicide – driven to the brink by the loss of his friend, feature, and finally website, Ethos commits a very nasty form of suicide.

Ethos Returns as a Zombie – Still not sure what to say about this one.

So, I guess the moral of the story is that even death can’t keep the two of us apart. Kill one of us, and… we’ll just return as a zombie.

Seriously, though, it’d take a lot more than that petty bullshit to tear the two of us apart. Riddlethos isn’t just about our two personalities, per se; but about how our two personalities co-exist and compliment eachother. In the sphere of video gaming, at least. Sure, there are striking differences between us, which is part of the fun  - but this site couldn’t exist without the two of us.

And I know how fruity the above paragraph sounds, and I’m totally okay with it.

LONG LIVE RIDDLETHOS.

(p.s, I promise that next week will see the return of actual editorial content in the Sunday Soapbox.)

Stupid Zombies

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

Well, fuck that idea. Not much I can do about Zombies. They’re hard to kill, and believe it or not, their hacking skills are top-notch. I couldn’t keep Ethos out of the site if I tried.

Not sure why he had to take another one of his patented shits on HLL, though. I was actually going to, y’know WRITE one of them, and it was going to feature actual NEWS. Thanks to Zombiethos, you were all shorted. You can commence hating his guts now.

Anyway. While I’m here, I might as well share some interesting links with you.

KFC is Trying to Kill You: Chicken-as-Bread Sandwich Coming April 12 (Gizmodo) Aptly named the “Double Down,” KFC is rolling out a product that is, quite literally, bacon and cheese in between two fried chicken patties. If that sounds like I good idea to you, then… well, I suppose you’re only human.

Just looking at this is making my arteries clog.

Just looking at this is making my arteries clog.

HTML5 Looks Awesome, Can Run Quake II (Kotaku) The Quake video has been floating around for a few days, but I only now took the time to watch it. To say the least, I was impressed. HTML5 has a lot of potential, as videos like that one display. But will it be allowed to live up to its potential? Probably not, thanks to a bunch of web developers who can’t seem to get their shit together. If you’re interested at all in HTML5, web development, or technology trends in general, allow me to direct you to this Gizmodo article. It should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about HTML5, the potential it has, and all the many obstacles that are keeping it from being the web revolution that it could be.

Anyway. It’s time to play some games. Will I actually force myself to play some Final Fantasy XIII today? Or will I fall back into the comforting embrace of Modern Warfare 2? I’m guessing the latter, truthfully.

Hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend.

-Riddles

Hey! Look! Listen!

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

HeyLookListenLogo1
Riddles screwed with Scatter Storming? I’ll take his Hey! Look! Listen! and make about the only important news:

FF9 FTW!
FF9 confirmed for PSN, at least in Japan. I can finally buy this game a second time.
(IGN)

Thank you for reading this, the very best edition of Hey! Look! Listen!
Remember, Zombie Ethos loves you! (Even if he doesn’t know how to change that stupid logo from Riddles.com…)

ROAAAARRR!!!

Friday, April 2nd, 2010
"I'd like to order Riddle brains"

"I'd like to order Riddle brains"

Don’t ask me how I did it, don’t ask me what I went through, don’t…just…don’t ask me how I did it. But I’m here. I’m crawling back. Riddles’ boring reign of drunken slow-moving terror is over. But I can’t do this alone. Everybody rally your support behind Zombie Ethos! Photoshop this picture of me so that I’m eating Riddles, put a crown on my head, give me lots of peach pie! It’s all good. As much as I hate the creepy fucker that is Riddles, we’re a balance, and he needs my wacky shit (and my consistency, and my industry inside), and I need him to remember why I rock so hard. Also, because when I’m around, you get YouTube videos that aren’t incredibly off-sync. Again: I’m actually the professional one. Remember the videos I produced when he was in Toronto? 720p on YouTube. None of this 360p garbage with the audio a good full second off. Oh, and I was born in 1986, Riddles you taintcleaner, not 1988. I’m the adult of the house. Now this is older, but it’s how to make a very quick video with PROPER SYNCING! E-gads.

Here’s a link to a high-res picture of Zombiethos.

Breaking: Ethan “Ethos” Pipher Found Dead

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Good riddance, you fuck.Ah… well, this is unpleasant. I would have preferred for the transition from Riddlethos to Riddles.com to occur without major incident, but it looks like Ethos has done it again. One final time.

A few hours after Riddlethos.com became Riddles.com, I received a phone call from Pogo, one of Ethan’s roomates. (Nice guy; met him while I was in Toronto. We hit it off pretty well, actually; so well that I soon found myself wondering why I hadn’t started a website with him.)

Anyway, Mr. Pogo had something of a bittersweet message to convey: It seems that the shock of losing both his best friend (that was me) and his website was a bit too much for Mr. Pipher to handle. At approximately 9:34 p.m. CST, Pogo walked into Ethan’s room to find him dead on his floor, covered in blood and semen.

From what the (strangely apathetic) Pogo could gather, it appears that Mr. Pipher cut his wrists several times while masturbating to Final Fantasy IX’s menu screen. Bit of an odd way to go, but then again, he was always a bit of an odd guy to say the very least.

You’re probably wondering, “what does this mean for Riddles.com?” The answer to that is absolutely nothing; or, at least, nothing detrimental. Pogo and I agreed that it was probably best not to involve authorities or family members. Rather, we’re going to let him keep what dignity he didn’t have. If anyone asks, Ethan Pipher eloped to some third-world country with his girlfriend, and nobody ever heard from him again. The girlfriend in question will be either silenced or paid off in due time.

On that note, I suppose this is as good a time as any to bring up the possibility of Pogo becoming a regular contributor to Riddles.com. Nothing’s official yet, but we’re working on it. And, if it goes well, there’s a good chance that Riddles.com could eventually become RiddleOgo.com. Or… something.

Anyway. If such a deal were reached, Riddles.com would expand its topics of interest beyond videogames, and into the realm of local Torontonian wing shops. In addition to all the most relevant game news, editorials, and reviews, you might see a review for whatever greasy chicken shack caught Pogo’s eye in a given week.

Also, there would be a lot more Modern Warfare 2 articles.

It’s been a bittersweet day here at Riddles.com, but as they say, it’s always the smelliest right before you take out the trash. Change is inevitable, and it can be a frightening thing. But I’m speaking from the heart when I tell you: it’s all for the best. Bear with us during this time of transition, and I promise we’ll all come out stronger.

So Pathetic It’s Almost Painful to Watch

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

…almost.

IMconvo

Welcome to Riddles.com!

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

I know this comes as an unexpected surprise, but worry not; my video should answer any questions you may have and less.

Thanks for watching, and again: welcome to Riddles.com, where you can get all of your Riddles-flavored gaming news without the ever-present taint of Thos.

Oh that’s it.

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Riddles knew. He fucking knew that I was planning a big 25th anniversary issue of Scatter Storming. He knew that it was going to be up a little bit later because I wanted it to be big. He knew I’ve been going to bed relatively early, so he scooped in and made the most ugly piece of shit cover ever. I’m sorry, maybe my Bioshock 2 banner was crappy, but Riddles is supposedly the pro at Photoshop. I put actual time and care into my Scatter Storming covers, and I’m fucking proud of how they’ve been turning out with this new magazine theme. At least when I did Hey! Look! Listen!, I did a good job and like to think I was actually doing the feature proud.

Well fuck that shit, we’re doing memes aimed at each other’s insecurities? Let’s do it.
wantstobeethos
It’s fucking true and he knows it. HE came up with Scatter Storming?! Yeah, right. I’m sorry, all of Riddles’ ideas are “let’s have a news feature” or “I got it! Editorials!” Brilliant stuff, asswipe. Read the first one, I didn’t mention Riddles, and I would have because he wasn’t being a complete titpuncher back then. It’s simple, Riddles is jealous of me. He’s jealous of where I live, he’s jealous of my friends, he’s jealous of my personality, he’s jealous of my job, he’s jealous of my looks, and he’s jealous of my romantic success. Speaking of…
virgin
Yup, sorry buddy, but you just constantly strike out when it comes to love. I would talk about how infrequently you have sex, but I don’t want to get really depressed. Of course, Riddles might tell all of you otherwise, but seriously, would you trust a perpetually drunk and depressed Murfreesboronian? Hell, let’s throw in another meme of that for good measure.
wouldyoutrusthim

So how about that, fucker? Don’t fucking steal my feature when I’ve proven that I can run it just fine. You didn’t even get the format right, I’m very particular with staying consistent with stuff I care about on this site. Obviously that’s not the case with you. And I’m not going to write another HLL for you because that’s probably what you want. Even less work.

Oh yes, that’s a jab at your work ethic. I’ve seen you fly off the handle because of shit like that before, so go ahead. Make my day.

Scatter Storming. Issue #025

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

SS25Well, he brought this upon himself. He had to act like a cock, so now I’ve taken away his Scatter Storming privileges.

And yes, they ARE privileges. Scatter Storming was actually my idea. I just decided to let him have fun with it. It’s simple enough for him, after all.

But now, he doesn’t even have that. Sorry, Ethos! Sucks to be you! Today we’re gonna talk all about MEEEEE!

Stupid Final Fantasy XIII

Seriously. I know I haven’t written much about Final Fantasy XIII, and there’s a pretty good reason for that: I haven’t played much of it. I’m about about 16 hours right now, and I’ll be honest: the game struggles to maintain my interest. It’s really a bit shocking, but for the most part, FinaL Fantasy XIII just plain bores me. The gameplay is non-existent outside of combat, and turn-based combat alone can’t carry a game. It would help if the story was worth a shit, but god, it’s just… not. In any way. At all. Whatsoever. It’s bad. The plot is bad, the writing is bad, the characters are bad, it’s all… bad.

I don’t hate Final Fantasy XIII. I think it does some things very right, and it’s gorgeous to look at – but it’s easily one of, of not the worst numbered Final Fantasy game. And, after waiting for over three years, I was really hoping for more.

Modern Warfare 2…?

It’s true, I’ve been playing it lately. I’m actually somewhat decent now, which makes it much more fun. I’m still not great, obviously, but I can hold my own, and actually feel like a part of things instead of a king-sized target for the other team.

Seriously, though, fuck the “Stimulus” DLC. Fuck it. Fifteen dollars for five maps? Three of which have been lifted from the original Modern Warfare? Where the hell does Activision get off?

Unemployment

…yep, I still don’t have a job. Unemployment really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m bored and sleepy all the time now, because I have nothing to do, and I get no exercise. My body is slowly retreating into this odd, vegetative state. I feel like I should go dig a hole in the ground and hibernate.

I don’t regret quitting my job, though. I’ll spare you the details, but it was well past time for me to go. After five years or so, I’d kinda overstayed my welcome.

But hopefully, I’ll find another job before my brain completely shuts down. And… before I run out of money.  Not sure which is the higher risk right now.

On that note, who wants to pay me to write about videogames?

Nobody? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Shame, because I’ve been writing about games for years now, and I fancy myself to be pretty good at it. It’s been my goal to break into the videogame journalism industry for a long time now, and I’m hoping that all of this payless work eventually amounts to something. Like, y’know. A job.

On a lighter note, The Office

Man, I love that show. I’ve watched it here and there for the last few years, but only recently have I gotten serious, sat down, and watched it from Season 1 on up. I just finished Season 3. I would see about downloading Season 4, I’ve recently discovered that I have no hard drive space on my laptop. No, really, I have like… less than a gig of space. I need an external badly.

And that’s it! Ethos has been officially one-upped. Hopefully, he’ll learn something from it. Who knows, if this is well-received, I might just take over Scatter Storming for good. After all, this is my website. Meaning I can do whatever I want. And Ethos has to do what I say.


This Will Not be Stood For

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

So, how far do you wanna take this, Ethos? How far? Because I can keep it up as long as need be, buddy.

Ahh, well, anyway, Ethos is about to learn that if there’s any one thing I do better than he does, it’s rage. And vengeance. Y’know, like Kratos. Maybe I can’t dual-wield chain blades, but I can still dish out the pain – and he’s about to discover this firsthand.

He could have just left it alone. He wrote a nasty editorial, I wrote a nasty editorial, and all was fair and balanced – until he decided he had to get in one last lick. Well guess what? That last lick is going to cost him.

It’s going to cost him… oh, so dearly.

I’m going to take away that which he holds most dear. Not only will I take it away, but I will warp, derange, and violate it in unspeakable ways. Only then will he know the true meaning of pain; and only then will he realize the foolishness of his ways.

He should have quit while he was ahead.

He is right about one thing, though. He is, indeed, the girl. And he always will be.

EthosPoster2