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by Ethos

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #3: The Prince of Persia

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

And I’m back to talking about dudes.

But, it’s not just any dude. It’s the Prince of Goddamned Persia, and contrary to the terrible-ish movie that came out a few months ago, he’s actually a pretty awesome guy. I’m referring specifically to the Prince from last generation’s Sands of Time trilogy. While Ethos may think that the Prince of the 2008 series reboot is better-looking, I must respectfully disagree, if only due to the fact that we were never given the opportunity to see the new Prince shirtless. And, I don’t think many people will dispute the fact that the old Prince had a more likable and well-rounded personality.

While he may be a rough-and-tough warrior, the Prince is actually a pretty romantic guy as well. We see this first proved in The Sands of Time, where his subdued – and ultimately tragic – romance with the beautiful Farah is one of the game’s focal points. He was decidedly less sweet and romantic in the follow-up, Warrior Within, but hey; when you’ve got a time-guarding demon chasing after you night and day, I’d wager it’s damn difficult to make time for romance. Besides, while a lot of people may not have been a fan of the Prince’s new attitude in Warrior Within, at least it gave us the opportunity to see a different side of him. His desperate, gritty, take-shit-from-nobody side, to be precise. And, to all the countless scene girls in the world, that’s probably pretty sexy. (Or maybe just to me, Iunno.) And, the ending proper to the game showed that, at the very least, he maintained a voracious sense of sexuality. Regardless, he came back around with the release of The Two Thrones, in which he was re-united (sorta) with his lost love Farah. And, like the hopeless romantic that he is, he fell for her once again.

But, aside from being the romantic softy that every girl dreams of, the Prince gains major points for being a chesty, sword-wielding, parkouring badass. How many guys do you know who can get around the way he does? Running up and across walls, swinging on flagpoles,  When it comes down to it, he’s probably one of the most physically fit characters in gaming. And one can only dream how that physical prowess transfers over to sexytime.

I think 384 words is enough words about a male videogame character, don’t you? For all the reasons listed above, we give The Prince of Persia our #3 spot on The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming. Check back soon for the #3 Chick, courtesy of Ethos.

The Five Sexiest Chicks in Gaming – #4: Samus Aran

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

I apologize for being typically late, but I had pressing business to attend with Mr. Daniel’s last night.

To celebrate the season of Summer, we’re spending this week at Riddlethos talking about hot videogame chicks. And dudes. But, thank goodness, I get to talk about a chick this time around.

Ironically, it’s a chick who spends most of her time inside a bulky suit of futuristic armor. Not so hot. But, thanks to Nintendo’s iconic Super Smash Bros. franchise, we’re occasionally given the opportunity to see “Zero Suit Samus” – which is the Samus you see pictured. Pretty hot, right? Shapely body, gorgeous flowing locks, and, of course, the ability to kick lots of ass.

So yeah, get her out of that armor, and she’s gorgeous. But aside from that, the truth is that we don’t know a whole lot about Miss Aran. Like most of Nintendo’s protagonists, she’s pretty damn quiet. This is set to change with the imminent release of Metroid: Other M, but we’re not quite there yet, and God only knows how that’ll go over anyway.

However, I’ve always believed that her mysterious nature makes her that much more attractive and interesting. It’s hard not to wonder what she’s thinking as she traverses the desolate alien landscapes seen in classic titles such as Super Metroid and Metroid Prime. The utter, crushing loneliness, and the sheer distance from all civilization would be enough to drive most people insane – yet she endures it. I mean, sure, she kinda has to or her games would suck – but nonetheless, I’ve always viewed it as an impressive thing. Samus may not have much to say on a general basis, but the connection made through the gameplay alone is a powerful thing.

So, for her iron will, unshakable resolve, and fantastic butt (once she’s outside of that damned armor) we at Riddlethos proclaim Samus Aran the #4 Sexiest Woman in Gaming.

That was the post I was supposed to write yesterday. Check back soon for the post I’m supposed to write today. Today happens to end in about… 26 minutes, but we’ll just ignore that fact for now.

Late as usual, so here’s a present!

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Well while we’re waiting for Riddles to be typically late with his post for the #4 chick. Here’s a picture of my hot girlfriend’s rack.

Read 'em and weep, boys!

So I might get in trouble for this, but worth it! Sexy Summer Week just got sexiest!

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #4: Link

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Link has gone through many forms in his long career. And unlike the titular character, Zelda, the majority of his designs are good (let’s face it, Zelda is only really sexy in Twilight Princess). But like all the characters in both lists, Link is not just about his good looks. Link is naturally attractive because of his courage and innocence – prevalent themes in many of the games. He charms everybody from a plethora of women his age to the many bizarre adults he meets on his adventures. Link just draws people to him.

Let’s not forget the fact that he is resourceful and talented. Link swings and slices and battles and solves puzzles, and even travels through time. He may never speak, but the guy is capable of more personality than a lot of modern day video game heroes.

Take Ocarina of Time. When Link first comes face to face with Ganondorf, the ten year old child takes out his sword and shield against an enemy with unthinkable power. A bit of a stupid move, maybe, but undoubtedly brave and iron-willed. Of course, we’re not going to go quite so far as to start to call ten year old boys sexy, but those positive personality traits carry over to adult Link and his undeniably badassery.

Everybody wants to be Link in Link’s world, and in his world every woman wants him. He might be the strong and silent type, but he’s also mysterious and clever. Like Riddles and Cloud, there’s nothing else to say but to admit that Link is a beautiful man. Our next few dudes on the list might prove to be a bit more verbose, however…

But first, Riddles will bring you #4 on our sexy chicks list. Predictions? Hopes?

The Five Sexiest Chicks in Gaming – #5: Jessica Albert

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

To turn the world upside down, Riddles started the sexy dudes list and I’m kicking off the sexy chick list. It’s Bizarro World, yes, but we like to keep you on your toes.

Jessica Albert has big boobs, can yield a whip, and has a British accent. Do I really need to explain why she’s sexy? This curvaceous firecracker isn’t just about the looks and sounds, though. She also is sassy, strong-willed, but also has that necessary soft spot for the people she cares about. Dragon Quest VIII is not really a game I praise for characters, but Jessica definitely helps redeem the point by countering Angelo’s smarm and Yangus’ stupidity with her wit, spunk, and – of course – sexiness.

Now Jessica has a number of points against her as well. While endearing, she’s not a particularly complex character, and she also turns evil and green for a time which is decidedly not sexy. Still, she has become a sex symbol of the PS2 era and required a mention on this lowbrow list.

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #5: Cloud Strife

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Oh yeah. We’re doing this. I’m about to write an entire post based on how physically attractive I find a male videogame character.

Face-to-face confrontations with sexual orientation ftw.

Ahem. Well, why should I be ashamed of the level of attraction I have for Mr. Strife? For starters, his game is awesome. I’m sure most of you are well aware of my fanboyism for Final Fantasy VII, but for those of you who aren’t: it’s probably my second-favorite videogame of all time, in constant battle with the immortal Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Cloud certainly didn’t look all that pretty in the original PSX classic (copious pixels tend to mask his beauty) but his personality was more than enough to win me over. Risky as it might be to say this, I empathized with the guy quite a bit. He’s a super-insecure dude who puts on a tough exterior in hopes of convincing both himself and others that he has it together. And, as far as tough exteriors go, he pulls it off pretty well – he talks trash, he carries a big sword, and he can kick ass.

But, as we all know, Mr. Strife has it anything but together. He’s lonely, he has little confidence in himself as an individual, and in fact, he’s not even sure who he is as an individual. As much as he’d love to let Tifa, his childhood friend, to glow closer to him, he simply can’t – not her, and certainly not anyone else. While the story behind Mr. Strife is dipped in a dense pool of melodrama, in the end he’s a pretty normal dude. Like so many of us, he’s just an insecure guy hoping to convince everyone around him that he’s not.

And he can kick ass. And he’s also beautiful, as Advent Children finally proved. Effeminate? Sure, but c’mon, it’s Japan. I would totally run my fingers through that spiky hair of his. In a strictly heterosexual way.

I mean, c’mon, hair is hair. It’s pleasant to the touch. Who cares if it’s on the head of a dude or a chick?

Right?

I can tell it’s all going to be downhill from here.

I Want This Game

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Since Ethos and I will be producing yet another ridiculous countdown list this week, regularly-scheduled features such as HLL and Scatter Storming will not be making an appearance this week.

Or HLL won’t, at least. And hopefully Ethos will follow suit so I don’t feel like a lazy fuck.

Anyway. I’m here to tell you that I really, really want Limbo. In fact, despite my tight finances, I’ll probably be downloading it tonight. (Assuming it becomes available relatively quickly after midnight).

If you haven’t heard of Limbo, watch IGN’s video review and be edified:

So much awesome.

Anyway. I’m about to start the countdown off. See you all in thirty or so.

Just need to say…

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010


Seriously. The ad campaign is gimmicky and stupid, the trailers don’t promise any personality for the film, and Angelina Jolie is past her prime. If she ever had one to begin with. First she looked like a cartoon, but then she lost the only thing going for her: her curves. So now she’s a cartoon skeleton. No thank you! If she were a video game character, she would not make our upcoming list. Speaking of, I doubt Lara Croft will make it either. I love boobs as much as the next guy, but I think Angie has spoiled Lara for me. Plus, it’s not like there’s a shortage of attractive chesty women in a video game market dominated by horny men.

But to clarify on Riddles’ hilarious post below, we’re going to have two lists. A list of the most sexy women and men in gaming. I’m sure none of you will be surprised to know that when Riddles and I first came up with the idea, we spent the entire first brainstorming session only talking about men. Chime in with your picks and suggestions!

And then see Inception instead of Salt. And then never see Salt.

Welcome to Sexy Summer Week

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Lowest. Common. Denominator.

Well, I guess we’re gonna keep up this seasonal theme week gig. It’s worked out pretty well so far, so why not keep whoring it, right?

So, that being said, I welcome you to Sexy Summer Week. Yes, hello, it is I, Oliver “Riddles” Motok. I still write for this site, as was evidenced by the, uh… three posts I came up with last week. My epic return ended up being not-so-epic, but it was a return nonetheless. And, to speak frankly, it felt damn good. I like this site. A lot, in fact; and I love writing for it.

In other words, you’re stuck with me, bitches.

Anyway. Sexy Summer Week. At this point, I’m sure you’re all wondering what the hell we’re going to do with this abstract and silly theme. The answer? Well, c’mon, you should know this by now.

A COUNTDOWN LIST!

Yeah, no, seriously, we’re doing another stupid countdown list. I’m sorry, but we’re not actually that bright, and we tend to fall back on familiarity/simplicity whenever we can.

But! If nothing else, this week should provide you with ample wank material, be you straight or gay. Why? Well, haven’t you guessed? It’s not just “Summer Week,” it’s SEXY Summer Week. Time to countdown the top five videogame characters who would look good in swimsuits. Or, to simplify, the five hottest hotties in the world of gaming.

Put on your sunglasses, slather some sunscreen, and grab a roll of toilet paper. It’s time to appeal to the lowest common denominator.