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            Can you handle it?
by Ethos

Stuck With Me

Saturday, June 12th, 2010

So Ethan’s brother is back from Malta after a year, but only for a brief time. What a fucking likely story. Now I actually have to get my shit together and pretend that I run a website, which is what I pay Ethan to do.

Sigh. Oh well. Maybe this’ll do me some good. It’s been a while since I’ve spent any quality alone time with you guys, as it were. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever done that.

Well! That’s all about to change. For the remainder of this weekend, it’s just me and whoever happens to stumble this way. So. Let’s hang out! Let’s talk! Let’s chitchat! Ask me anything; anything at all. I have plenty to share, if you know what I mean.

Ahem. Anyway. Below, you’ll find my theme song. (Also one of the funnier Green Day videos in existence.) Later, I’ll be writing a Lazy Saturdays. God, why is it already 3:30 in the afternoon?

In the Spirit of Democracy…

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

Unlike Ethos, I’m going to honor the voice of the people. I’ve owned Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne for almost 2 years, and now, in honor of our second Backlog Week, I’m finally going to play it. Sure, there’s no way I finish it in a week, but that’s not really the point anyway.

Check back later today for my initial thoughts. Time to see if the game’s as much a challenge as people claim.

~Riddles

Breaking: Ethan “Ethos” Pipher Found Dead

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Good riddance, you fuck.Ah… well, this is unpleasant. I would have preferred for the transition from Riddlethos to Riddles.com to occur without major incident, but it looks like Ethos has done it again. One final time.

A few hours after Riddlethos.com became Riddles.com, I received a phone call from Pogo, one of Ethan’s roomates. (Nice guy; met him while I was in Toronto. We hit it off pretty well, actually; so well that I soon found myself wondering why I hadn’t started a website with him.)

Anyway, Mr. Pogo had something of a bittersweet message to convey: It seems that the shock of losing both his best friend (that was me) and his website was a bit too much for Mr. Pipher to handle. At approximately 9:34 p.m. CST, Pogo walked into Ethan’s room to find him dead on his floor, covered in blood and semen.

From what the (strangely apathetic) Pogo could gather, it appears that Mr. Pipher cut his wrists several times while masturbating to Final Fantasy IX’s menu screen. Bit of an odd way to go, but then again, he was always a bit of an odd guy to say the very least.

You’re probably wondering, “what does this mean for Riddles.com?” The answer to that is absolutely nothing; or, at least, nothing detrimental. Pogo and I agreed that it was probably best not to involve authorities or family members. Rather, we’re going to let him keep what dignity he didn’t have. If anyone asks, Ethan Pipher eloped to some third-world country with his girlfriend, and nobody ever heard from him again. The girlfriend in question will be either silenced or paid off in due time.

On that note, I suppose this is as good a time as any to bring up the possibility of Pogo becoming a regular contributor to Riddles.com. Nothing’s official yet, but we’re working on it. And, if it goes well, there’s a good chance that Riddles.com could eventually become RiddleOgo.com. Or… something.

Anyway. If such a deal were reached, Riddles.com would expand its topics of interest beyond videogames, and into the realm of local Torontonian wing shops. In addition to all the most relevant game news, editorials, and reviews, you might see a review for whatever greasy chicken shack caught Pogo’s eye in a given week.

Also, there would be a lot more Modern Warfare 2 articles.

It’s been a bittersweet day here at Riddles.com, but as they say, it’s always the smelliest right before you take out the trash. Change is inevitable, and it can be a frightening thing. But I’m speaking from the heart when I tell you: it’s all for the best. Bear with us during this time of transition, and I promise we’ll all come out stronger.

So Pathetic It’s Almost Painful to Watch

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

…almost.

IMconvo

Welcome to Riddles.com!

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

I know this comes as an unexpected surprise, but worry not; my video should answer any questions you may have and less.

Thanks for watching, and again: welcome to Riddles.com, where you can get all of your Riddles-flavored gaming news without the ever-present taint of Thos.

Scatter Storming. Issue #025

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

SS25Well, he brought this upon himself. He had to act like a cock, so now I’ve taken away his Scatter Storming privileges.

And yes, they ARE privileges. Scatter Storming was actually my idea. I just decided to let him have fun with it. It’s simple enough for him, after all.

But now, he doesn’t even have that. Sorry, Ethos! Sucks to be you! Today we’re gonna talk all about MEEEEE!

Stupid Final Fantasy XIII

Seriously. I know I haven’t written much about Final Fantasy XIII, and there’s a pretty good reason for that: I haven’t played much of it. I’m about about 16 hours right now, and I’ll be honest: the game struggles to maintain my interest. It’s really a bit shocking, but for the most part, FinaL Fantasy XIII just plain bores me. The gameplay is non-existent outside of combat, and turn-based combat alone can’t carry a game. It would help if the story was worth a shit, but god, it’s just… not. In any way. At all. Whatsoever. It’s bad. The plot is bad, the writing is bad, the characters are bad, it’s all… bad.

I don’t hate Final Fantasy XIII. I think it does some things very right, and it’s gorgeous to look at – but it’s easily one of, of not the worst numbered Final Fantasy game. And, after waiting for over three years, I was really hoping for more.

Modern Warfare 2…?

It’s true, I’ve been playing it lately. I’m actually somewhat decent now, which makes it much more fun. I’m still not great, obviously, but I can hold my own, and actually feel like a part of things instead of a king-sized target for the other team.

Seriously, though, fuck the “Stimulus” DLC. Fuck it. Fifteen dollars for five maps? Three of which have been lifted from the original Modern Warfare? Where the hell does Activision get off?

Unemployment

…yep, I still don’t have a job. Unemployment really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m bored and sleepy all the time now, because I have nothing to do, and I get no exercise. My body is slowly retreating into this odd, vegetative state. I feel like I should go dig a hole in the ground and hibernate.

I don’t regret quitting my job, though. I’ll spare you the details, but it was well past time for me to go. After five years or so, I’d kinda overstayed my welcome.

But hopefully, I’ll find another job before my brain completely shuts down. And… before I run out of money.  Not sure which is the higher risk right now.

On that note, who wants to pay me to write about videogames?

Nobody? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Shame, because I’ve been writing about games for years now, and I fancy myself to be pretty good at it. It’s been my goal to break into the videogame journalism industry for a long time now, and I’m hoping that all of this payless work eventually amounts to something. Like, y’know. A job.

On a lighter note, The Office

Man, I love that show. I’ve watched it here and there for the last few years, but only recently have I gotten serious, sat down, and watched it from Season 1 on up. I just finished Season 3. I would see about downloading Season 4, I’ve recently discovered that I have no hard drive space on my laptop. No, really, I have like… less than a gig of space. I need an external badly.

And that’s it! Ethos has been officially one-upped. Hopefully, he’ll learn something from it. Who knows, if this is well-received, I might just take over Scatter Storming for good. After all, this is my website. Meaning I can do whatever I want. And Ethos has to do what I say.


This Will Not be Stood For

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

So, how far do you wanna take this, Ethos? How far? Because I can keep it up as long as need be, buddy.

Ahh, well, anyway, Ethos is about to learn that if there’s any one thing I do better than he does, it’s rage. And vengeance. Y’know, like Kratos. Maybe I can’t dual-wield chain blades, but I can still dish out the pain – and he’s about to discover this firsthand.

He could have just left it alone. He wrote a nasty editorial, I wrote a nasty editorial, and all was fair and balanced – until he decided he had to get in one last lick. Well guess what? That last lick is going to cost him.

It’s going to cost him… oh, so dearly.

I’m going to take away that which he holds most dear. Not only will I take it away, but I will warp, derange, and violate it in unspeakable ways. Only then will he know the true meaning of pain; and only then will he realize the foolishness of his ways.

He should have quit while he was ahead.

He is right about one thing, though. He is, indeed, the girl. And he always will be.

EthosPoster2

Sunday Soapbox: Why Ethos Sucks

Sunday, March 28th, 2010
Me trying to kill Ethos.

Me trying to kill Ethos.

I’m sorry to subject you to what may seem like more filler material, but this is a truth the world must be informed of.

Okay, so I might have dropped the ball during God of War III Week. I can admit to it. But seeing that I was in the process of losing my job that week (don’t ask) I think I have something of an excuse, don’t you?

Apparently that’s not good enough for Ethos, inconsiderate fuck that he is. It’s evidenced by last Sunday’s Soapbox, which, if you recall, did little more than malign me. Wrongfully. So, in a form of brutal retaliation, I’m doing the same thing to him.

Ha ha! Ha! HA!

Seriously, though, the dude’s the worst. Everything he touches turns to shit. I fucked up God of War III Week, so to punish me he “took control” this week.

The week’s practically over, and what did we get from him? His standby Scatter Storming (really hardly relevant to the gamers of today, imo) and some PokeParty bullshit that nobody cares about. Seriously, am I supposed to give two fucks what little shits he chooses for his pet collection? No. No, I am not supposed to, and I won’t. Because Pokemon is dumb.

On the flip side, in the last seven days, I’ve brought you no less than two HLLs, and three reviews. And a Penny Arcade strip. And… something else, probably. But anyway, three reviews. I’d like to see Ethan match that in the span of three months.

Oh, and remember the little hissy he threw over the my God of War III review? Just because it was better than his? Gee, Ethos, I’m sorry you deleted half of your original review and then threw it back together last-minute. I really am. But don’t get mad at me for writing a fair, balanced, and well-structured review of one of 2010’s biggest games.

Oh, and while he may CLAIM to have finished Final Fantasy XIII, I won’t believe it until I see a review. And that won’t happen, because when it comes down to it, he’s the lazy fuck around here – not me.

So, there’s the Soapbox. Just as he promised. Hope you all enjoyed it! And I hope you enjoy this. Click on it for the hi-res version. Print multiple copies and post them in random places around your office. Hand them out to friends and family. Or, simply set it as your computer’s wallpaper, so that you never forget.

ethosposter

Ethos is a Fruit

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Sad but true, ladies and gentlemen. Sad but true.

This image has not been altered or tampered with in any way.

This image has not been altered or tampered with in any way.

Read it firsthand here.