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by Ethos

Lazy Saturdays #06 – LOLWUT

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

Yep, it’s been a lazy Saturday. Classically lazy, in fact. Although, I did have a random stroke of creativity, and proceeded to write a 3,000 word  short story. Weird, eh? I’m sure you’re all dying to read it, but unfortunately, it has nothing to do with videogames. So. It wouldn’t be appropriate, y’see.

By the way, I should mention the fact that I am still playing Alan Wake. I’m moving quite slowly through it because a) I’ve been working a lot, and b) I’m frankly not enamored with it. However, I still plan to finish it and review it for the site. Hint: I’m not as blown away as many others seem to be.

Alright, well. As you can see, this weekend’s edition of Lazy Saturdays has been brought to you by the LOLWUT Pear! And, if you read any further, you’ll find out why, exactly, that is.

Alpha Protocol dev snaps, claims that game should have been “cancelled”now this is definitely a lolwut. Perhaps you’ve read a few of the recently published reviews for the Obsidian-developed, Sega-published espionage RPG Alpha Protocol? Well, they aren’t terribly positive. The PS3 version of the game is currently holding down a 70.80% aggregate ranking on GameRankings, and the 360 and PC scores are both lower. Apparently, the game’s just a buggy, muddy, unfinished piece of work. In fact, it’s such a disappointment that even people who worked on the game are voicing their disgust. Commenting on Joystiq’s review, an apparent Alpha Protocol developer had this to say:

There was a ton of work put into this game. The problem is that it was a ton of undirected work, or work on things that were just stupid. The Executive Producer for the game, Chris Parker (also an owner of the company), seemed to think he was the world’s greatest designer ever, and created all these absolutely shitty systems and wouldn’t listen to any of the real designers or devs about things that just didn’t work. And you can’t exactly argue with one of the owners of the company when he doesn’t want to listen. He basically took over the game and dictated exactly how everything would work (or not work, as the case may be). The other producers realized this early on and just gave up, leaving Parker to micromanage all the designers and programmers directly.

Sega also was a factor, because they kept changing the design requirements (yes they had heavy influence there), which never gave the producers and designers time to actually decide on one set of features to make and polish. The blame is still mostly Obsidian’s because the execution was absolutely terrible, and it was obvious 2 years ago that this game should have been scrapped. Instead, though, they focused on adding still more features and never fixed the ones they already had. That is a recipe for tons of bugs and no polish… as is obvious.

This game was just an absolute failure of production, and it’s no wonder that so many of the developers left the company, even after the 40% staff layoffs. I am still happy about some of Obsidian’s other current projects, New Vegas included, because they are going pretty well. Their big unannounced project is looking great and is already much better than AP ever was, and that may end up being the game that everyone was looking for with AP.

Sega should have canceled AP instead of Aliens.

Ah… man. I’m almost unsure if I should be laughing at that. But, I already proclaimed it a LOLWUT. And, in truth, we can’t know for sure that this wasn’t just posted by some nobody. But, uh… it sounds pretty legit to me.

Cliff Bleszinski: the children in Heavy Rain are “hideous” – this one has LOLWUT written all over it. Know why? Because it’s true. Now, Cliff Bleszinski is a bit of a jackass in my opinion, but he hits the nail on the head with this little quote from an interview with GameReactor:

“Yes, [Heavy Rain] really grows on me. But, even if I feel it’s a really good game, I don’t think they have done enough to avoid the ‘uncanny valley’ problems.”

“The children in the game are some of the most hideous I have seen. Ever”

Ba-hahaha. Yes, Cliff. Yes they are. They also sound awful. Particularly in a certain, highly pivotal scene near the end of the game. People who’ve played through the whole thing know exactly what I’m talking about.

Let’s take these complaints to heart, eh Quantic Dream?

Man stabs other man to exact revenge for Counter-Strike deathNow, if this isn’t a LOLWUT than I don’t know LOLWUT is! Ha! Ha! See the pun? No? Good, because it’s fucking awful.

Anyway. Julien Barreaux is a 20-year old man living in Cambrai, France. In late 2009, Julien was killed in a knife-fight in Counter-Strike by a man named “Mikhael.” Enraged, Julien set out to find “Mikhael” and bring him to justice. He spent six months searching, and finally ended up on Mikhael’s front doorstep with a knife in hand. When Mikhael answered the knock at his door, Julien attempted to drive the knife into his heart – and he missed by an inch. Mikhael’s still alive, and Julien’s going to prison for two years.

Wait, only two years?

This guy meticulously hunts down and attempts to kill a man over a death in Counter-Strike, and he gets two years?

Goddamn French pussies.

A dark LOLWUT, yes; but a LOLWUT nonetheless. And, with it, we conclude this special LOLWUT edition of Lazy Saturdays. Thanks so much for joining us, and might I encourage you to scroll down and have a look at some of the awesome content we’ve posted this week? Like, for example, Ethos’ gushing review for Super Mario Galaxy 2? (Actually, you’ll have to scroll up for that.) Or, my less-than-positive review for the Prince of Persia movie? And, last but not least, the birth of the Memetok?

Just scroll down. Or up. You won’t be sorry.

-Riddles