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by Ethos

“Wrong Hole, Darling” – Love Story Misses Countdown: #5

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Here we go, folks! We’re starting this a little late, but it just means you have a steady flow of amazingness to look forward to. Riddlethos will be counting down the greatest hits and misses in the video game romance world. This is in our limited spectrum of games we’ve played, obviously, so if you don’t see your favourites, it’s possible we’ve never even heard of them. There will also be honourable mentions in both categories on Sunday as well.
But enough of the foreplay, let’s dive in, do everything wrong, find the wrong hole and jizz too soon with our first pick on the naughty list.

mariopeach#5 Worst Video Game Romance: Mario and Peach -
Ugh. Seriously. I’ve seen these two on so many top ten lists for the exact opposite reason. They cite the fact that Mario has done so much for Peach, that he’s gone through so many castles and trials for her. Yeah, that might be true, but that’s romantic in the same way that Romeo and Juliet is romantic: It’s not. Not only do we see no evidence of romantic chemistry, or even a chance for these two to interact really, but it’s obvious that Peach just uses Mario. All Mario ever gets is a kiss on the nose or cheek, and that’s if he’s lucky. And how I can blame the chick? She’s this smoking hot broad, why would she want to settle down with a fat old mustached man with a terrible accent? Not going to happen. And, for all that Mario isn’t, he can do better than Peach anyway, she’s a complete ditz. Anybody here play Mario Sunshine? Peach has all the intelligence of a balloon in that game. The only time the character is remotely charming is the Paper Mario series, and even then she has better chemistry with that creepy Moon Computer with the crush on her. Hell, Bowser is even better for her with his similar dim-witted attitude. But the ultimate point to why this romance isn’t a romance at all is something I’ve already hinted at, these two are never together. There was never a time for this great love story to even take seed. Peach is a spoiled, vapid princess with a slamming bod who takes advantage of an obviously horny, overweight, god-knows-how-old, surprisingly talented plummer who has been blinded enough by the thought of Peach’s tits to go to ridiculous lengths for her. But anybody who has been in love knows that love isn’t about going great lengths for somebody, but rather the reasons why you go those great lengths. Mario should just bang Roselina anyway, she’s like a less stupid, more sexual Peach.