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by Ethos

Why Have I Not Played Mass Effect 3 Yet?

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

So I was just browsing through the Riddlethos archives (as I am wont to do) and came across this tiny little post from three years ago. (Three fucking years? Shit.) In it, I lament being sick three hours before the midnight release of BioShock 2, and then comment on the fact that I finished Mass Effect 3, and “can’t wait for the inevitable third.”

Guess what? I STILL HAVE NEVER FUCKING PLAYED MASS EFFECT 3.

God, I’m such a shitty gamer. I haven’t touched Ni No Kuni in weeks, I didn’t play Dead Space 3, I didn’t play the new Devil May Cry, I didn’t… I haven’t… um… lots of stuff, I’m sure.

Anyway, I think I decided at some point that I would just buy the trilogy on PS3 and replay the entire thing. Y’see, I played Mass Effect 1+2 on my 360, which is pretty much officially retired and has been for some time. That’s probably why I lollygagged when ME3 was first released. And then, y’know, by the time the trilogy came out I had sort of forgotten about it and… yeah.

Well, hopefully, this will change. Tomorrow I’m officially moving into my new place of residence. Things should finally be getting back on track. And hopefully I’ll be able to sit on my ass and play games.

…I need a TV to do that. Dammit.

I’ll get you yet, Life. One of these days. One of these damn days.

Well in other news, a shitty game was released today. It’s called THE WALKING DEAD: SURVIVAL INSTINCT, it’s published by everyone’s favorite vampiric corporate entity ACTIVISION and it’s a FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER based on the HIT AMC TELEVISION SERIES and sHiT THIS IS FUN alright I’ll stop.

Anyway, even though I have not played it, I feel extremely confident in telling you that The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct is a shitty game that you should not pay for. It was quietly announced not even ten months ago, and Activision put bizarrely little marketing behind it. To my knowledge, they didn’t even mention the game again after its initial announcement for at least six months. Kinda strange, because if done properly, a FPS based on The Walking Dead could, y’know… be fun? But nobody expects Activision to produce such a game. And they know that. That’s why its release day and the only review to be found is a scathing critique from a rather messil designed site I’ve never visited before called Polygon. Design flaws aside, I have to give this guy mild props for running out, purchasing  a retail copy, supposedly finishing it, and publishing a review on the same day – it’s now the one review on the web. Know why? Of course you do. Review embargoes, of course. IGN, for example, has the option to watch a two-hour video of them playing the game, but no review.

Time passes

Okay, so… I actually watched the video. Not all of it. But way way more than I should have. It’s so bad that it’s literally enthralling. And listening to the guys playing it try their best to avoid trash-talking is both hilarious and sad.

The game looks like an Xbox game. Holy shit.

Well congratulations, Activision. You were among the pioneers of shitty, shitty licensed videogame adaptations, and it’s good to see that you’re keeping the tradition alive well after its prime.

Here’s the video, by the way. Watch it if you enjoy hating yourself.

Alright, well after watching that video I am officially drained. It’s time for some Arrested Development. Goodnight.

-Riddles