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by Ethos

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – Honourable Mention: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

Shut up.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt may not be in a video game, but the dude is so damn sexy that he still warrants an honourable mention for our top five list.

The kid may have had a rough start to his respectable actor credibility by playing the part of an ancient alien stuck in a teenage boy’s body during 3rd Rock From The Sun, but he swiftly started taking roles that would redefine him.

JGL started his journey to extreme sexydom with his role in Brick. He pulled off the fast-talking, brilliant loner of Brendan without a hitch and moved onto the incredibly challenging role of Chris Pratt in The Lookout. As if these two roles weren’t different enough, the sex machine even ventured into romantic comedy territory with (500) Days of Summer. Sure, it’s more intelligent and pretentious than the regular romcom, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt proved that he can play any role with an incredible amount of integrity and talent.

And all this was before he kicked all sort of ass in Inception. Let’s face it, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the perfect man, and anybody should be content to be one quarter of the man he is.

I mean, c’mon, the guy is so sexy, he just made a list of sexiest dudes in gaming, and he’s not even in one!

I haven’t even mentioned his articulation, passion, and wisdom beyond his years. Any man, woman, or child would take the opportunity to be held in this man’s arms.

Perhaps this entire article is counter-intuitive to JGL’s opinion of the pointlessness of celebrity, but the dude is pure beauty, I had no choice but to gush about him for 300 words.

You think these lists are finally over? Forget about it! Riddles and I each got to veto a choice of the other’s off the Sexy Chicks list, so we’re going to bitterly defend our picks that got vetoed off by the other. Look forward to that brilliance!

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #1: Nathan Drake

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

And here’s the big kahuna himself. Given how much we’ve verbally wanked off Mr. Drake in the past, I’m guessing this doesn’t come as much of a surprise to any of you. But regardless, can you disagree? Uncharted’s Nathan Drake is simply one of the most likable protagonists in the world of videogames, and he’s got roguish good looks to go along with it.

Drake has it all. He swashes and buckles with the very best of them, whether he’s hunting down gold, battling ancient curses, or rescuing damsels in distress. And no matter how dire his given situation, he always manages to have a damn good attitude about it – while playing Uncharted or Uncharted 2, you never have to go long without hearing one of Drake’s trademarked (and hilarious) cocky remarks. You just can’t keep the guy down, and that’s a fantastic quality to have – especially in his line of work.

But, as Uncharted 2 proved, the guy’s still a human being. He’s not always making fun of the situation he’s in – particularly when his lady love is in distress, or when things just literally fall apart around him. He certainly doesn’t spend much time moping (and he doesn’t need to) but even in the cases when Drake does have himself a good mope, it feels perfectly justified.

But enough about his character. He’s Nathan Fucking Drake. He’s the ultimate swashbuckling badass. He’s the jack of all trades. He’s Indiana Jones sans the mild anger problems. He takes down a dozen men with a pistol and some well-placed grenades. He solves riddles and mysteries that would stump Sherlock Holmes. He runs up moving trains while evading machine gun fire from enemy helicopters. And, at the end of it all, he gets the girl. Everyone wants to be this man, I don’t care what they say.

Nathan Drake is the kinda guy you’d never want to fuck with, but exactly the kind of person you’d want to sit and have a beer with. Or two. Or nine. And then see where the night goes from there.  Easy and indisputable pick for #1.

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #2: Balthier (Ffamran mied Bunansa)

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Oh Balthier. He is the only character in Final Fantasy XII with any personality (excepting maybe Fran), and boy does he ever have personality. He ran away from his privileged upbringing to run around the world with a half-naked rabbit lady with a giant bounty on his head. If his badboy renegade status didn’t make him sexy enough, he is clever and witty, and is apparently the only character who is capable of having a sense of humour.

Balthier is smooth and sarcastic, yet able to be perceptive and very loyal. Let’s just face the facts, Balthier is the perfect man. Yeah, he’s got daddy issues, and maybe he’s a professional thief, but everybody has their vices. He knows just the right thing to say, and has a solution to every problem.

Also, to use an argument that Riddles likes to use: his game is awesome. Final Fantasy XII is robust and deep. Addictive and involved. Again, not a game known for its cast otherwise, but after all he is the self-professed “leading man” of the adventure, and he has my vote on that sentiment.

Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that there’s no way around it, he’s a beautiful man. Maybe there’s no such thing as “stylish” in the world of Ivalice, but I think the fact that he’s not wearing a crop top vest ala Vaan gives him a pass in that department.

So after all that, what else can be said about the dude? The only mark against him is that we don’t really know what type of badass he is. The license board in FFXII makes classes so generalized that it kind of dilutes fantasies of him glistening from sweat in the heat of battle. He can talk up a storm, but there’s no hard evidence of him putting his blade where his beautiful mouth is.

That’s why our number 1 dude is our number 1 dude. He has everything Balthier does but with that added benefit of unadulterated badassery. But I’ve gone on way too long sexually praising a fictional dude from a video game. Do you think Balthier deserves this spot?

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #3: The Prince of Persia

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

And I’m back to talking about dudes.

But, it’s not just any dude. It’s the Prince of Goddamned Persia, and contrary to the terrible-ish movie that came out a few months ago, he’s actually a pretty awesome guy. I’m referring specifically to the Prince from last generation’s Sands of Time trilogy. While Ethos may think that the Prince of the 2008 series reboot is better-looking, I must respectfully disagree, if only due to the fact that we were never given the opportunity to see the new Prince shirtless. And, I don’t think many people will dispute the fact that the old Prince had a more likable and well-rounded personality.

While he may be a rough-and-tough warrior, the Prince is actually a pretty romantic guy as well. We see this first proved in The Sands of Time, where his subdued – and ultimately tragic – romance with the beautiful Farah is one of the game’s focal points. He was decidedly less sweet and romantic in the follow-up, Warrior Within, but hey; when you’ve got a time-guarding demon chasing after you night and day, I’d wager it’s damn difficult to make time for romance. Besides, while a lot of people may not have been a fan of the Prince’s new attitude in Warrior Within, at least it gave us the opportunity to see a different side of him. His desperate, gritty, take-shit-from-nobody side, to be precise. And, to all the countless scene girls in the world, that’s probably pretty sexy. (Or maybe just to me, Iunno.) And, the ending proper to the game showed that, at the very least, he maintained a voracious sense of sexuality. Regardless, he came back around with the release of The Two Thrones, in which he was re-united (sorta) with his lost love Farah. And, like the hopeless romantic that he is, he fell for her once again.

But, aside from being the romantic softy that every girl dreams of, the Prince gains major points for being a chesty, sword-wielding, parkouring badass. How many guys do you know who can get around the way he does? Running up and across walls, swinging on flagpoles,  When it comes down to it, he’s probably one of the most physically fit characters in gaming. And one can only dream how that physical prowess transfers over to sexytime.

I think 384 words is enough words about a male videogame character, don’t you? For all the reasons listed above, we give The Prince of Persia our #3 spot on The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming. Check back soon for the #3 Chick, courtesy of Ethos.

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #4: Link

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Link has gone through many forms in his long career. And unlike the titular character, Zelda, the majority of his designs are good (let’s face it, Zelda is only really sexy in Twilight Princess). But like all the characters in both lists, Link is not just about his good looks. Link is naturally attractive because of his courage and innocence – prevalent themes in many of the games. He charms everybody from a plethora of women his age to the many bizarre adults he meets on his adventures. Link just draws people to him.

Let’s not forget the fact that he is resourceful and talented. Link swings and slices and battles and solves puzzles, and even travels through time. He may never speak, but the guy is capable of more personality than a lot of modern day video game heroes.

Take Ocarina of Time. When Link first comes face to face with Ganondorf, the ten year old child takes out his sword and shield against an enemy with unthinkable power. A bit of a stupid move, maybe, but undoubtedly brave and iron-willed. Of course, we’re not going to go quite so far as to start to call ten year old boys sexy, but those positive personality traits carry over to adult Link and his undeniably badassery.

Everybody wants to be Link in Link’s world, and in his world every woman wants him. He might be the strong and silent type, but he’s also mysterious and clever. Like Riddles and Cloud, there’s nothing else to say but to admit that Link is a beautiful man. Our next few dudes on the list might prove to be a bit more verbose, however…

But first, Riddles will bring you #4 on our sexy chicks list. Predictions? Hopes?

The Five Sexiest Dudes in Gaming – #5: Cloud Strife

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Oh yeah. We’re doing this. I’m about to write an entire post based on how physically attractive I find a male videogame character.

Face-to-face confrontations with sexual orientation ftw.

Ahem. Well, why should I be ashamed of the level of attraction I have for Mr. Strife? For starters, his game is awesome. I’m sure most of you are well aware of my fanboyism for Final Fantasy VII, but for those of you who aren’t: it’s probably my second-favorite videogame of all time, in constant battle with the immortal Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Cloud certainly didn’t look all that pretty in the original PSX classic (copious pixels tend to mask his beauty) but his personality was more than enough to win me over. Risky as it might be to say this, I empathized with the guy quite a bit. He’s a super-insecure dude who puts on a tough exterior in hopes of convincing both himself and others that he has it together. And, as far as tough exteriors go, he pulls it off pretty well – he talks trash, he carries a big sword, and he can kick ass.

But, as we all know, Mr. Strife has it anything but together. He’s lonely, he has little confidence in himself as an individual, and in fact, he’s not even sure who he is as an individual. As much as he’d love to let Tifa, his childhood friend, to glow closer to him, he simply can’t – not her, and certainly not anyone else. While the story behind Mr. Strife is dipped in a dense pool of melodrama, in the end he’s a pretty normal dude. Like so many of us, he’s just an insecure guy hoping to convince everyone around him that he’s not.

And he can kick ass. And he’s also beautiful, as Advent Children finally proved. Effeminate? Sure, but c’mon, it’s Japan. I would totally run my fingers through that spiky hair of his. In a strictly heterosexual way.

I mean, c’mon, hair is hair. It’s pleasant to the touch. Who cares if it’s on the head of a dude or a chick?


I can tell it’s all going to be downhill from here.