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Ethos and Riddles talk about video games...
            Can you handle it?
by Ethos

The Vetoed Picks – Riddles: Bayonetta (Written by Ethos)

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Well, I gave him ample time to step in and defend his hideous spider lady, but the grace period is over. Time for me to step in and talk about how incredibly repulsive Bayonetta is.

Let me preface everything by admitting that I have not played Bayonetta – although I watched about 30 minutes of cutscenes and gameplay on YouTube for this – and as such, I am always open to the possibility of my mind being changed on some of these points. However…I doubt it.

Bayonetta is a creepy spider lady. She is completely ridiculous looking and tries to fool people into thinking she’s sexy by wearing glasses and an insanely tight outfit. And believe me, I’m a glasses guy, so it’s gotta take a lot for me to not give a free pass to a chick who wears them.

I honestly have no idea why Riddles was so desperately arguing in her defense. I had to devise a fucking veto system on the fly just to ensure that this chick wouldn’t snatch a top 5 spot. He argues that she’s one of the strongest woman characters in gaming.

I hope to fuck that this is not the case.

I mean, I know that gaming is about 15 steps behind in terms of gender equality, and that Bayonetta can hold her own in a fight and is definitely not a weak character. But nothing I’ve seen shows that’s she’s anything beyond serious faces, kicking people, and talking with condescension to children. Plus, it’s hard to make an argument for a strong character for a chick who fights in the tightest outfit possible with basically no back and a cleavage hole. No woman would ever, ever choose to wear that.

Also, I called her the Spider Lady even before I saw her in action when I watched some clips for this article. The woman’s anatomy is preposterous and terrifying, and her movements are creepy and – for lack of a better simile – like a spider. Maybe girls like Jessica and Tifa have bigger boobs than is generally realistic, but it’s at least feasible. If Bayonetta somehow spawned in the real world, she would collapse in a heap of legs and spider eggs.

I’m being a little harsh, and if someone were only shown her face and heard her voice, then they could make a valid case. However, as it stands, Bayonetta looks entirely silly, moves like an idiot, and has a perfectly fine strong personality, but nothing I see to be winning awards over. And above all else, she is definitely not sexy.

Also, her game looks completely ridiculous. The gameplay looks fun, and that opening scene is epic, but the voiceacting was either passable or terrible in the stuff I saw, and everything looked like nonsense.

So there you have it, Riddles. That’s what happens when you decide to move apartments during the week of Riddlethos’ birthday. You get your chance to defend The Spider Lady squashed.

The Vetoed Picks – Ethos: Jack

Monday, July 26th, 2010

During the process of creating these Top Five lists, Riddles and I ran into a number of disagreements. Some of them so great that we decided that we’d both be allowed a single veto. Because there was more debate on the female side of things, we each vetoed a female pick of the other’s. But we also decided that we’d get a shot to defend the one we wanted to make the list so bad. So here goes.

Jack is sexy. Riddles is quick to call any woman with a tough shell a bitch…which is especially funny because if Oliver were a woman, he’d be exactly like that. Anyway, Jack definitely can be rude and rough around the edges, but she’s smart, honest, and doesn’t bullshit. I respect that. She went through an insane childhood, raised in a testing facility and referred to as “Subject Zero”. When she finally escaped, she went on a rampage, joining cults, killing people, and desperately trying to find herself.

Sure, all the murder and crazy biotic powers make her a little scary, but she grows to trust Shepard; a very rare thing for Jack to do. It’s once this happens that Jack shows that she hasn’t just turned into a killing machine. She never turns into that scared little girl who just needs a friend, but she is able to speak freely of her vulnerabilities and own them while making it clear that she has no problem blasting somebody’s face off if she has a reason to.

But Jack is not just sexy in her confident, quick, and no bullshit attitude. She’s also tattooed from head to toe, which excuses the fact that’s she’s practically naked – the tats basically look like clothing – she shaves her head, and as mentioned before, is a powerful biotic badass. Not to mention she’s got the brooding loner thing going for her. She’s a sexy chick, and Riddles is crazy to use his veto in this case.

But then I should know that he’s crazy, just wait ’till you see the complete shit he wanted to drag into our list. I had to let Samus fly because I had no choice but to place my veto on his insane opinion. Sorry for the spoilers, but I look forward to seeing Riddles fly off the handle because I’m bashing his dear Shelob.