Well, I gave him ample time to step in and defend his hideous spider lady, but the grace period is over. Time for me to step in and talk about how incredibly repulsive Bayonetta is.

Let me preface everything by admitting that I have not played Bayonetta – although I watched about 30 minutes of cutscenes and gameplay on YouTube for this – and as such, I am always open to the possibility of my mind being changed on some of these points. However…I doubt it.

Bayonetta is a creepy spider lady. She is completely ridiculous looking and tries to fool people into thinking she’s sexy by wearing glasses and an insanely tight outfit. And believe me, I’m a glasses guy, so it’s gotta take a lot for me to not give a free pass to a chick who wears them.

I honestly have no idea why Riddles was so desperately arguing in her defense. I had to devise a fucking veto system on the fly just to ensure that this chick wouldn’t snatch a top 5 spot. He argues that she’s one of the strongest woman characters in gaming.

I hope to fuck that this is not the case.

I mean, I know that gaming is about 15 steps behind in terms of gender equality, and that Bayonetta can hold her own in a fight and is definitely not a weak character. But nothing I’ve seen shows that’s she’s anything beyond serious faces, kicking people, and talking with condescension to children. Plus, it’s hard to make an argument for a strong character for a chick who fights in the tightest outfit possible with basically no back and a cleavage hole. No woman would ever, ever choose to wear that.

Also, I called her the Spider Lady even before I saw her in action when I watched some clips for this article. The woman’s anatomy is preposterous and terrifying, and her movements are creepy and – for lack of a better simile – like a spider. Maybe girls like Jessica and Tifa have bigger boobs than is generally realistic, but it’s at least feasible. If Bayonetta somehow spawned in the real world, she would collapse in a heap of legs and spider eggs.

I’m being a little harsh, and if someone were only shown her face and heard her voice, then they could make a valid case. However, as it stands, Bayonetta looks entirely silly, moves like an idiot, and has a perfectly fine strong personality, but nothing I see to be winning awards over. And above all else, she is definitely not sexy.

Also, her game looks completely ridiculous. The gameplay looks fun, and that opening scene is epic, but the voiceacting was either passable or terrible in the stuff I saw, and everything looked like nonsense.

So there you have it, Riddles. That’s what happens when you decide to move apartments during the week of Riddlethos’ birthday. You get your chance to defend The Spider Lady squashed.